NOT making a choice is a choice too!
Oh tired weary soul,
I get it! I know the road you're on is tough. It's not paved with sparkling gold or even brass for that matter. I know you feel alone. That the world doesn't get you. Some days you feel like you have been totally left behind in the grand scheme of getting ahead and breaking free from all your adversities.
I know you're strong and you will get back up to fight another day. That's what resilient amazingly good hearted folks do. We get back up, we fight one more good fight and get our asses kicked again only to have to repeat!
I feel your exhaustion. You doubt if you can continue one more fight. You wonder every morning if you can rise to the challenge and if by some miracle today will be the turning point. Something will click and life will forever be changed. No more struggle. No more feeling defeated and alone. Your beautiful resilient soul is always so hopeful.
You have spent years trying to understand why things don't fall into place for you. How can it be, someone who gives so much whenever someone needs anything, can end up with so little? Your big heart strongly loves giving to others at all costs and that giving heart is what keeps you going. To have nothing but know you have given everything is who you are. You define yourself by your ability to always be there for those in need. Whether you have it to give or not.
I just want you to know that I totally get you and why you give so much when you have so little yourself. I think that I can shed a smidgen of light on what happens when your life is filled with lack of support, direction, nurturing and unconditional love. You see, as a child I had very little direction or support. I got my parents attention when I got into trouble, which wasn't often because it just seemed like too much of a headache to waste my energy. So as my mom called me often, "Shelley, You are the perfect wallpaper child." You are just there, blending in perfectly not saying a word. Compliment? Maybe in my mom's eyes. I guess it was her way of saying "Thank you" for not giving me a run for my money.
I spent all of my childhood being somewhere between here and there. In the middle, caught in a crack, silently falling. Like you, with little guidance to show me the way, I stumbled through all of my young adult life. I feel your lack of direction because I know what it's like to have had to figure it out on my own too.
I want to tell you though, it doesn't have to be that you keep giving and never focusing on you. I missed this piece in my life. I spent so much time giving all of me to everyone, because I felt that if I did, that piece of the puzzle I was missing would some how appear. I know you feel that void too. That something is missing from your life, but you can never quite identify it. You are always feeling as if you can never quite do enough. If you do one more thing, that missing piece will be found. That lonely void, will be filled. The truth my precious friend.....It won't be! I know, shocker. I was always taught be the good little girl, give always, don't talk back, play nice and it will always come back to you ten fold.
They forget to tell me that it also included me!
I spent 35 years crying myself to sleep, wondering why everything I did wasn't quite good enough. Why my parents could never love me unconditionally? Why didn't they support me when I needed them the most? Why was my marriage such a fucking disaster? Why was I unhappy at every job I had? Why couldn't I just be grateful for what I did have? Why did I lose so many people I loved to death? Would I ever stop grieving? How was I going to get out of the pit of hell, I called life? Do you ever feel this way too?
I hope it doesn't take you a tragedy to wake up and realize what I wish I had caught onto at least 20 years earlier. By the time it hit me, I had a half dead soul. My heart was broken. I was confused as hell. Like you, I was exhausted beyond belief and didn't think I could get up for one more fight.
I didn't want one more fight!
When you stop wanting to do the daily fight, you know in your heart you hit that rock bottom!
My wish for you is to see the miracle before you get to the point where you are at the end of your rope. Sadly, most people won't change their journey until it hits them in the face. I was like YOU! Do you feel like today will be the day that things will some how miraculously change? Even though you are doing the same things you have been doing unsuccessfully for 20 or more years?
That's what I like to call FALSE HOPE!
False hope. Always thinking because you're a great person with a loving huge heart, that that alone will bring happiness, meaning, direction and prosperity to your life. Chances are pretty slim. I'm sorry to be the bearer of such bad news.
I want to share my wake up call with you. In one brilliant testing year, I asked for a divorce, became unemployed, lost my home and became caretaker with my sister of our dying uncle who had brain cancer. I also got into another rocky relationship all while drinking myself into oblivion. Because really being good doesn't mean you're good at dealing with pain or heartache. They don't always go hand in hand.
Adversity teaches 3 things. Poor me, Blessed me or Stuck me(Choosing to NOT choose-It's a choice believe it or not!).
For the first time in my life I chose "Blessed me". Lessons galore. I could have stayed in my unhappy marriage because I was scared to death of how I was going to make it financially. I could have kept drinking until I passed out in a gutter and maybe drowned. I could have walked away from taking care of my uncle, because really he was not my responsibility. I could have chosen to stay stuck,miserable and being and doing everything for everyone else but me!
This is where it got ugly. No one ever said making great changes is nice and neat and pretty. Most often it's not! So if you are looking for a smooth path, keep doing what your doing. Your puzzle will stay unfinished and your cup will re-main dry.
I went through with my divorce. It was ugly as hell. Dragged out for 4 years. But I stood my ground and that weight lifted off my shoulders was huge! I took care of my uncle because I believed despite the stress it was the right thing to do. I walked away from my house, because the burden was too much financially to bare. I grew up and spent 35 years in that area. It broke my heart. But my gift....Home is where you choose to grow your heart. Not in a physical space. It takes courage to walk away from everything you know and love. To move beyond your comfort zone into the great unknown, knowing for the first time you will figure it out.
I got another job. Completely out of my career path. Much lower pay and learned to live simply. I taught myself how to take care of me on a budget. I'm not a health guru so it wasn't about missing out on the gym or new running sneakers or fancy equipment. It was about getting back to what really makes my heart sing when I am happily alone. I learned how to appreciate alone time and how important it is to creating a life you love. Without silence & space you will have nothing. I didn't understand that for way too long.
What I'm trying to tell you is that if you don't create the space & time to become your own best friend, your life will never change. The drama and chaos will continue. The overwhelm and fatigue will wear you down. You will get up and fall back into the same hole again and again and again. From one friend to another, your life is truly in your hands. You have the power to walk away and take care of you first. If your life is crumbling you have to ask yourself what in my life is NOT working? Walk away from it. There are no rules to sticking around if something isn't feeling right. Of course guilt will play into it. Were you taught as a child, be good and you will be rewarded? So when you were bad, you were punished and made to feel guilty. A loving message (sarcasm) passed on for many generations. Sadly many of us take this right into adult hood. Really poor message!
Mistakes, poor choices, wrong roads are not reasons to feel guilty. They are reasons to celebrate. Each one of these adversities creates a powerful lesson. The beauty of lessons, is that they can be transformed into incredibly spectacular gifts.
Are you ready to take a different road? Are you ready to see where the holes are in your life and stop falling into it over and over again? Are you ready to walk away from what isn't creating a healthy you? Are you ready to be courageous?
Courage + Adversity = Miracles
My friend, you can achieve MIRACLES!
From my heart to YOURS,
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I scribble about business & life after 50. I've got no time for BS, bad coffee or crappy relationships! Profanity is a wonderful stress management TOOL. I use it often.