Not very long ago, someone said to me: "Not everyone can be as strong as you are."
Was I happy, proud, that I was strong? Not even close. I was sad & angry.
I've mastered resilience. I know in my heart, I am not meant to be broken, because if I was, I would already be there.
What prompted this rather sad statement, was my ability to keep going through the most challenging moments of my life.
Did I feel strong? No.
What many people don't understand about resilience, is that often we don't have a choice. When someone you love is dying, and it becomes your job to be the primary caregiver, the choice is made from your heart and not your head.
People who think from their hearts, I believe are far more resilient because they don't THINK things through....They FEEL things through.
They feel deeply. They simply put one foot in front of the other, and do what needs to get done. No questions asked.
But if someone was to actually ask me, Are you tired? To let me have a moment to think I am fairly certain I would have broken. No one asked, because I'm strong.
When your strong, resilient and make choices based on feelings rather than thought you also risk being the dumping ground for all others inability to be as resilient as you.
For me, being resilient doesn't mean I'm strong, it means I know how to endure great pain. Maybe it does take a certain kind of strength.
From where I sit, it would be nice to not always have to be so strong. Funniest thing I realized today, I'm not sure I know how to be anything but strong and resilient. I'm not sure I know how to break down, fall apart, and stop trying.
I wonder if that's good or bad. If I don't have the ability to fall apart, where does the emotion go? If I don't allow myself to truly cry, what fears am I stuffing deep inside, and how does that effect me physically, emotionally and mentally. If I don't have the ability to reach out, and say: I can't be strong anymore, I need help, Isn't that the weakest point you can be at?
I'm slowly working through this process of having to be super woman. I'm learning that even though my heart means well, physically & emotionally I sometimes have to say no. It's because I don't have the energy to take care of things for others at this moment. I am learning to re-store my own energy, create boundaries that respect my ability to stay strong, happy and healthy.
I'm repeatedly telling myself its ok, to reach out. it's ok to not have the answers. do what i need to do for me, and let others do the same. stay away from energy suckers. respect all of your intuitions ~ heart, mind & gut. allow each one of them to be heard. practice saying "no".
i am giving myself permission to let people in, to keep doors open, to express my truth and not be ashamed, guilty, embarrassed or scared of sharing my vulnerabilities.
because opening up, sharing your weakest points is what builds strong relationships and relationships build strong beings from the inside out.