I've struggled with this issue for many, many months now. The issue of closure. Is it really necessary? Who benefits from it? Should it be a silent act where you just say in your heart, I'm letting go? Or do you write a letter, make a phone call, plan a coffee date with the individual that you would like this relationship to be over? Is it right to close doors for the benefit of myself? Shouldn't doors stay open for all if they need it? Is closure really in the best interest of all? Or is it a selfish act of one last time, stating your pain, rehashing old shit, and then you get the opportunity to be the one to close that HEAVY, old, door that you have been holding open for far too long? And seriously, when it's all said and done...WILL I FEEL BETTER?
Then I struggled this week with writing this blog. My schedule is thrown all too hell, for a wonderful reason! I am hanging out with my two amazing grown daughters. I don't get to spend nearly as much time with them as I would like, so I'm thrilled to not be working on my blog, Facebook page, business, coaching stuff 24/7. There is literally no place I would rather be, than with them! I struggled with not being sure if writing about closure with such personal feelings is appropriate on your blog. I am not sure if putting out there for thoughts, ideas, inputs, or advice is a great idea. But I know sitting with these emotions for the last year needs to stop. And being here in this house brings it that much closer to the surface.
So being here with them, has opened up old wounds, memories, and things I would just rather put behind me. The block is my ability to just make a choice and let it go at that. Like something more needs to be done or said.
I am staying in my old house, that my ex-husband kept after our divorce. He has gone away on vacation and asked if I would like to come stay here for a week to spend time with Court and Vicky. Of course, of course and Thank you!
My old house is also in the area I grew up in, and lived for 40 years! Lots of memories, and friends to catch up with. Which is what I've been doing. Dinner, coffee, chit chats and such. It's been great!
There has been one thing missing. My best friend of 27 years! She lives 5 miles down the road from where I am. Have we spoken? No. Does she know I am here? Yes!
Why? Because apparently I'm slightly blind and missed some warning signs along the way and she is now head over heels with my ex-husband.
Can you say awkward? I'm the god mother to her daughter. She is the same for my two girls. She was their for my divorce. I was their for her separation, and when Jack passed away before the divorce was final. I missed her every day when she moved to Alaska, but I never lost touch. Same thing when she moved to Massachusetts. But instead I would just pack up two kids and go down every weekend. The hell with everything else. She needed me.
Then something changed. I moved away. An hour and 15 minutes away. It's not huge. But with work, kids, life, building a house there wasn't a ton of time to travel back and forth.
I also quit drinking, it wasn't benefiting my life. So I was no longer the choice of party animals to hang with. I started building a life in the country and couldn't relate as well to city living any more. Her version of camping is a lean too, with wall plug ins and WiFi in the middle of nowhere. Things changed, we changed.
I continued to reach out to her. Every time I came down to visit my girls, I stopped. Even if it was only for an hour. Because, hell 20+ years is a long f'n time!
In the first two years I was in the country she only visited once. Claiming there is nothing to do in the country and every thing is so damn far away. The calls got fewer and fewer.
Then last year, I hadn't heard from her for a month and she calls and wants to find a half way point to meet for coffee. I was good with it. Little did I realize that she was going to tell me she was now dating my ex and it was serious!
Feelings flowed in and out of my mind, and heart like a whirlwind. Anger, betrayal, sadness, I can be ok with this, back to what the hell! I was so all over the board, for a while I thought I was potentially losing my mind. I cried, screamed, vented, tried super hard to laugh.
The bottom line, my best friend and I could no longer share the same way we had always shared.
I thought we could. So one day when we were having an off moment, I was really upset that she put this news flash out onto Facebook that they were in a relationship, and never mentioned it to me that she was going to put that up there. All of the sudden, many of our mutual friends were calling me and asking if I was ok. Yea, why wouldn't I be??? Which is when I was told, that she did the whole relationship thing on Facebook. I was embarrassed, but more than anything hurt that she didn't even consider my feelings or maybe a little simple heads up that she was going to do that. I called her, I screamed, I cried!
Then my phone rang and it was my daughter, her dad was actually giving her a hard time and wanted to know if she had spoken with me, because he was upset that I had upset his girlfriend. The line became clear. I can no longer tell my best friend how I feel. No more honesty, sharing ups and downs. No more unconditional support. I think I honestly for a while felt my world fall out from under my feet.
I cried so long, so much it was as if I had physically lost a loved one. And I was sad beyond belief.
For the longest time I kept hoping some how it would re-pair itself. But being down here for the week, in old surroundings the memories seem like a withered photograph of a life long ago.
Tears, and darkened corners that can no longer be made out as to what the memory was or is.
I spoke with a couple close friends (mutual) that no the situation to see their thoughts on closure. Because nothing was/is feeling right. I spoke with my youngest daughter about how torn and hurt I still am and that I doubt things will ever be the same.
And at that moment I realized I was not the only one hurt. I kept thinking about my loss. My friendship. But the sadness and anger in my daughters eyes was painful to see. She still calls her Aunt Shelly (Yes, we have the same name). My daughters voice spoke volumes. I don't care about her. She comes here to see dad, says hi. There are no more hugs, I love you, how are you, how's work, are you ok? Nothing mom! Then she goes in the bedroom and I don't see her again.
Sad, hard, awkward, frustrating, genuinely painful.
The whole thing has been a year of change, a painful year of change. My mom has been hospitalized for the last 9 weeks, and yet not once has she called to see how she is, or how my family is or me. The angry part of me wants closure to tell her how angry I am with her, the sad part of me says that's not what closure is for.
Maybe writing this out will help. Maybe it won't. Maybe the true key is just letting go and letting time clean the slate.
So I put this out there....
Is closure really necessary? Who does it benefit? And will it relieve the sadness? Will time heal the anger?
This week I am beyond happy to be spending it with the two most fabulous daughters a mom could ask for, but if anyone can understand this, I will be just as happy to get back to a life that brings me peace, calm and serenity.
Lots of hugs