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is closure really necessary?

1/31/2014

10 Comments

 
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I've struggled with this issue for many, many months now. The issue of closure. Is it really necessary? Who benefits from it? Should it be a silent act where you just say in your heart, I'm letting go? Or do you write a letter, make a phone call, plan a coffee date with the individual that you would like this relationship to be over? Is it right to close doors for the benefit of myself? Shouldn't doors stay open for all if they need it? Is closure really in the best interest of all? Or is it a selfish act of one last time, stating your pain, rehashing old shit, and then you get the opportunity to be the one to close that HEAVY, old, door that you have been holding open for far too long? And seriously, when it's all said and done...WILL I FEEL BETTER?

Then I struggled this week with writing this blog. My schedule is thrown all too hell, for a wonderful reason! I am hanging out with my two amazing grown daughters. I don't get to spend nearly as much time with them as I would like, so I'm thrilled to not be working on my blog, Facebook page, business, coaching stuff 24/7. There is literally no place I would rather be, than with them! I struggled with not being sure if writing about closure with such personal feelings is appropriate on your blog. I am not sure if putting out there for thoughts, ideas, inputs, or advice is a great idea. But I know sitting with these emotions for the last year needs to stop. And being here in this house brings it that much closer to the surface.

So being here with them, has opened up old wounds, memories, and things I would just rather put behind me. The block is my ability to just make a choice and let it go at that. Like something more needs to be done or said.

I am staying in my old house, that my ex-husband kept after our divorce. He has gone away on vacation and asked if I would like to come stay here for a week to spend time with Court and Vicky. Of course, of course and Thank you!

My old house is also in the area I grew up in, and lived for 40 years! Lots of memories, and friends to catch up with. Which is what I've been doing. Dinner, coffee, chit chats and such. It's been great!

There has been one thing missing. My best friend of 27 years! She lives 5 miles down the road from where I am. Have we spoken? No. Does she know I am here? Yes!

Why? Because apparently I'm slightly blind and missed some warning signs along the way and she is now head over heels with my ex-husband.

Can you say awkward? I'm the god mother to her daughter. She is the same for my two girls. She was their for my divorce. I was their for her separation, and when Jack passed away before the divorce was final. I missed her every day when she moved to Alaska, but I never lost touch. Same thing when she moved to Massachusetts. But instead I would just pack up two kids and go down every weekend. The hell with everything else. She needed me.

Then something changed. I moved away. An hour and 15 minutes away. It's not huge. But with work, kids, life, building a house there wasn't a ton of time to travel back and forth.

I also quit drinking, it wasn't benefiting my life. So I was no longer the choice of party animals to hang with. I started building a life in the country and couldn't relate as well to city living any more. Her version of camping is a lean too, with wall plug ins and WiFi in the middle of nowhere. Things changed, we changed.

I continued to reach out to her. Every time I came down to visit my girls, I stopped. Even if it was only for an hour. Because, hell 20+ years is a long f'n time!

In the first two years I was in the country she only visited once. Claiming there is nothing to do in the country and every thing is so damn far away. The calls got fewer and fewer.

Then last year, I hadn't heard from her for a month and she calls and wants to find a half way point to meet for coffee. I was good with it. Little did I realize that she was going to tell me she was now dating my ex and it was serious!

Feelings flowed in and out of my mind, and heart like a whirlwind. Anger, betrayal, sadness, I can be ok with this, back to what the hell! I was so all over the board, for a while I thought I was potentially losing my mind. I cried, screamed, vented, tried super hard to laugh.

The bottom line, my best friend and I could no longer share the same way we had always shared.

I thought we could. So one day when we were having an off moment, I was really upset that she put this news flash out onto Facebook that they were in a relationship, and never mentioned it to me that she was going to put that up there. All of the sudden, many of our mutual friends were calling me and asking if I was ok. Yea, why wouldn't I be??? Which is when I was told, that she did the whole relationship thing on Facebook. I was embarrassed, but more than anything hurt that she didn't even consider my feelings or maybe a little simple heads up that she was going to do that. I called her, I screamed, I cried!

Then my phone rang and it was my daughter, her dad was actually giving her a hard time and wanted to know if she had spoken with me, because he was upset that I had upset his girlfriend. The line became clear. I can no longer tell my best friend how I feel. No more honesty, sharing ups and downs. No more unconditional support. I think I honestly for a while felt my world fall out from under my feet.

I cried so long, so much it was as if I had physically lost a loved one. And I was sad beyond belief.

For the longest time I kept hoping some how it would re-pair itself. But being down here for the week, in old surroundings the memories seem like a withered photograph of a life long ago.

Tears, and darkened corners that can no longer be made out as to what the memory was or is.

I spoke with a couple close friends (mutual) that no the situation to see their thoughts on closure. Because nothing was/is feeling right. I spoke with my youngest daughter about how torn and hurt I still am and that I doubt things will ever be the same.

And at that moment I realized I was not the only one hurt. I kept thinking about my loss. My friendship. But the sadness and anger in my daughters eyes was painful to see. She still calls her Aunt Shelly (Yes, we have the same name). My daughters voice spoke volumes. I don't care about her. She comes here to see dad, says hi. There are no more hugs, I love you, how are you, how's work, are you ok? Nothing mom! Then she goes in the bedroom and I don't see her again.

Sad, hard, awkward, frustrating, genuinely painful.

The whole thing has been a year of change, a painful year of change. My mom has been hospitalized for the last 9 weeks, and yet not once has  she called to see how she is, or how my family is or me. The angry part of me wants closure to tell her how angry I am with her, the sad part of me says that's not what closure is for.

Maybe writing this out will help. Maybe it won't. Maybe the true key is just letting go and letting time clean the slate.

So I put this out there....

Is closure really necessary? Who does it benefit? And will it relieve the sadness? Will time heal the anger?

This week I am beyond happy to be spending it with the two most fabulous daughters a mom could ask for, but if anyone can understand this, I will be just as happy to get back to a life that brings me peace, calm and serenity.

Lots of hugs
Shelley





10 Comments
Alexander Mill link
1/31/2014 11:58:28 am

Hi Shelley,

Thank you for sharing yourself again.

Of course there will be opinions flying left and right about what you've written. Advice, suggestions, recommendations, personal experiences, etc. I hope you take them all with the proverbial "grain of salt."

I'm just going to acknowledge what you've written with a deep bow and trust that you are adequate to your life and that you will know what to do and how to do it when the time comes.

In lovingkindness,
Alex

Reply
Shelley
2/1/2014 03:09:39 pm

Thanks Alex for the support and kind words of encouragement. I am hopeful that when the time comes, yes I will find the right thing to do to place this moment behind me...

Best wishes,
Shelley

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Eric Young link
1/31/2014 12:13:42 pm

Thank you for sharing your story. In my opinion closure is more of an idea or story line in your head than something real. I think it would serve you well to try and turn the story line in your head off. Instead you could focus on living in the moment and experiencing the flood of emotions that come to you. When you are living in the present moment you'll experience a sense of calm and suddenly your story line will become irrelevant. Meditation is the way to practice this. Thanks again for sharing your story.

Reply
Shelley
2/1/2014 03:11:58 pm

Hi Eric,

Yes...Meditation has been a huge part of my life for the last 15 years!! I will continue to sit with this, as well as writing in my journal and clearing my head and heart.

Thanks for reading my post and commenting!
Take care,
Shelley

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Maria
1/31/2014 03:34:19 pm

I actually understand your feelings. Had a very, very similar situation although in the end I didn't get divorced (was separated though).

I believe in forgiveness, but don't believe in letting our wounds stay open and allowing the irritants to make them bleed over and over again. I believe in protecting myself and my peace... It's a double betrayal, from two people whom you loved, and that's hard.

I had to allow myself to grieve. A clean cut - closure - has helped me to heal... very slowly... I still have a hard time looking at pictures or remembering anything from the years I lived in a triangle being so manipulated and betrayed (and openly ridiculed for it)... but that's where my situation is different from yours... I know I will have to continue to do some seriously deep work to finally let go of pain caused by betrayal...

Sending you thoughts of peace and healing...

Reply
Shelley
2/1/2014 03:18:56 pm

Hi Maria,

Thank you so much for your kind, understanding, and non-judgmental comment. I always get so nervous putting something like this out there, but at the same time, it's a very real part of life. Life is about healing.

I am so sorry that you had to go through a similar situation and yes digging deep, working through it, being patient, and probably one of the things I forget...Be gentle with YOU!

It's not an over night process, it's a step at a time. I know I will get there, and some days will probably hurt more than others. But I have complete faith in my ability to heal.

I hope that you start having more days filled with joy and happiness, and the sadness starts fading away!!!

Sending you lots of positive energy on your wonderful journey of healing!

We will get there...
((Hugs to you))
Shelley

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Bianca link
1/31/2014 04:24:21 pm

The word 'closure' always sounds a bit theatrical to me. I did it only once and it felt partially good, partially bitter. In the end it wasn't really closure and that has to do with the nature of the process. If it is possible to cut people out of your life, the wounds still need to heal with the coming in and out of the tides. It sounds to me you've been doing greatly. Just remember to keep on breathing and one day you'll come to the conclusion the matter has indeed been closed.. :-)

Reply
Shelley
2/1/2014 03:22:24 pm

Hi Bianca,

Thank you for the vote of confidence. Yes I feel that way about closure too. Part good, part bitter. That's been my dilemma, which is why I keep getting stuck in it!Ugh...

I know I will get through this. I have definitely been through some worse things in my life, and each time new lesson learned, a gift to take with me on the rest of my journey.

Life is a giant process, beautiful and sometimes a bit gray.

Thank you for your kind comment, and support.
((Hugs to YOU))
Shelley

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Leah Arends link
2/1/2014 06:58:59 am

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Closure sounds final and may seem like it would put everything behind you, but being hurt by 2 people you trusted and cared about will take time to heal. I would focus on finding new friends. There are good people out there that would consider your feelings before they would do something to hurt you. Hang in there.

Reply
Shelley
2/1/2014 03:27:48 pm

Hi Leah,

Thank you so much for reading my post, and for commenting. I appreciate the unconditional kindness, and as I said above, not judging the situation.

I have been focusing on new friends, opportunities and hope that over time things will fade and the sadness will be less. Sometimes time is the best healer.

Yes there truly are amazing folks out there, and I think I came across the LYL group for many reasons. New opportunities, new wonderful folks, support, to make me reach beyond my comfort zone, to speak my truth even if it's not pretty every day, but most importantly to strengthen my trust and faith that people are wonderful.

Thank you for being a part of all that!

Take care,
Shelley

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