I'd love to be writing about success, but if I truly think about it, success often comes by way of failure.
So let me tell you a super, quick story about successfully failing. Not once, but twice!
And then how that sad feeling of failure, kept me in a writer's block for over a month! Booo!
A little over 6 weeks ago I launched a FREE conference call in. The topic was self-care and I FB advertised, wrote about it, spread the word with my limited list and Facebook followers. My fingers were crossed, and I was ridiculously nervous, because public speaking isn't my thing. So for this introvert to totally reach beyond my comfy zone was really pushing her limits. But that's good! Pushing limits allows to grow, gain confidence and build courage muscles.
Three o'clock rolled around, I got on the conference line and waited patiently. And waited. And waited. The elevator music seemed to be echoing louder in my head by each passing moment. I literally stayed on the line for a full half hour, hoping, wanting, praying for someone to show up.
I quietly hung up the phone. Sent a text to my beloved, supportive other half. It simply said "Please don't text or call, I really can't talk through the tears." Do you think he would listen. Yea, NOPE.
He called. I bawled my eyes out. Swore I would never put myself in that position again. And then I took a really long nap. I re-treated!!! I was sad, defeated, I felt like a total failure. Which then that really smart voice in my head began to chime in with it's two sense. Did you really think you could pull this off? Who are you to offer any simple advice on taking care of you? This is why you shouldn't risk your self like this, look at how you feel when you fail? The VOICE was screaming at me!!!
Fast forward a couple weeks. I re-treated by staying busy, with busy work. You know the unproductive kind, that looks like your getting a ton done. The more I sat in this space, the longer I stayed away from my blog. More importantly from my writing!
You see, I don't write because I have fabulous writing skills or I love putting my stuff out there, or because I think I'm god-damn amazing at it and I think the world should hear my thoughts, opinions, ideas etc. etc. etc.
I WRITE FOR ME! I have every journal I have ever written since I was 12. I have every essay from highschool. And every single article, essay, thesis I ever wrote in college. My writing isn't about perfection or convincing anyone to be anything more than the amazing person they already are. My writing has always been a deep way for me to reflect, connect my feelings with what I'm seeing, to vent, express, learn, grow & challenge myself. It's for ME!! I write exclusively for me.
My failure to launch (and no I have not seen the movie) stopped my progress dead in it's tracks. It sent my confidence flying off a cliff, and I didn't even try to fly. So here I am, 5 weeks later and I have had another failure. Another launch, FAIL. Failures will always be part of learning, but it should never, ever be the end of TRYING!
So here I am. Humbled, still slightly bruised, feeling emotionally raw & tender but I know in my heart I can not allow that GOD AWFUL VOICE to steal my dream, by keeping me small, neatly tucked away & safe. Getting uncomfortable, taking risks and pursuing my visions is where my heart is. Writing for the love of writing is where I want to be. And if I continued to let my VOICE steal the show, I would still be sitting here with writer's block, not working through this for fear of failure.
I'm not allowing my love of writing to be stolen from the voice of fear & failure any longer. This show is MINE and it's my time to direct it.
Do you think fear & failure play a role in your life? In what ways have you overcome it? I would love, love, love to hear from YOU!
Thanks for your support!!
Lots of love & hugs,