winter, it's fresh, clean, white, new, a time for hibernation, rest and reflection.
i'm not in any means a winter fanatic. i kinda dread the all day clean up, the hour and half commute to and from work, the heating bill, and mostly not wanting to go outside for more than 15 minute intervals.
i like heat, sun, warmth and everything in bloom.
just like with life, there are cycles. and i appreciate and respect what each cycle brings to my life.
after a great week with my two awesome grown girls, I am back home in the country, far removed from the chaos of city living.
while I was there I realized for the first time in 3 years, that it no longer felt like home.
it was a sad moment for me and for a little bit i felt lost. i cried, for what was, and no longer is.
i grew up there. i spent the first 40 years of my life in those communities. i know the streets, stores, neighborhoods, and people. it's been home for as long as i can remember. til now.
i certainly never expected when i went down, which i do often that it would be a time of acceptance, letting go, reflection and some personal challenges that i would need to work through.
i was thinking more like..dinner, coffee, lunch dates, shopping, old friends, and lots of laughter with my girls. which it was all that and more.
but i also became acutely aware of my no longer being comfortable in the craziness of that life. i longed for going outside where the only thing i could hear was the birds. i didn't want to see another house, or car, or even human. i just simply wanted my alone time that i had come to love.
there was constant distractions. noise from every direction. and it all left me edgy and out of focus.
i also spent much time contemplating whether to go and speak with my best friend (Shelly, with a Y) whom is now dating my ex-husband of 20 years. our friendship stems back 27 years. and a huge rift has been expanding since i moved away 3 years ago, and more so when she began dating my ex a year ago.
i had a coffee date, with a wonderful mutual friend of ours. i didn't really realize until that coffee date, how much our friendship splitting up had taken a toll on others around us. we were a tight little group and spent much time together.
in the midst of this conversation, it became very real that she was hurting because of this dilemma. she said she can't imagine our friendship ending, 27 years is too much to throw away, we have to find a way to work it out, i have faith that you two are meant to stay friends, it was hard to hear, and so sad that this breakup so to speak of was affecting, my children, other friendships and us. that's what i call a ripple effect.
i told her that i was going to talk to her, but still wasn't sure of what to say. i got the look of OMG, you don't know.
she's in florida with john. even funnier they went to sanibel island which is where we went for one of our vacations. UGH. more uneasiness.
i spoke with my children and asked if they knew anything, neither one of them had any idea. they actually found out by reading Facebook.
i get the part where i am no longer a part of either of their lives. but there was still an uneasiness that wasn't settling. it just all seemed sneaky, not truthful, or out in the open. and honestly, i kinda suck at bs these days.
once upon a time, there was this girl who was miserable, she lied, cheated, drank too much and fell on her face. when she finally came to her senses she had made a boat load of mistakes and has done everything in her power to not be that miserable girl anymore.
that was me!
8 years ago, i was a walking train wreck!! my marriage was a disaster and the only thing i did right was some how manage to raise two of the most beautiful girls in the world. inside and out, they are wonderful, hardworking, loving, kind souls.
so 8 years ago, i got truthful to a fault. karma has come back many times to kick my butt for all the shitty behavior i did. i accept it, and still do. so maybe that's what this is....Cosmic karma.
then 3 years ago, i went through another transition and got even more honest, no bs, i'm living my life by my own truths, and if it doesn't make anyone happy, i'm sorry but living lies creates disasters. so i moved away. i simply didn't want that life anymore. it hurt a lot of people that i could just up and go, but it's where i wanted to be. and it's my life. selfish maybe. but it was my truth, and i have to live by that.
so tonight i am sitting here in my home, in the country, feeling blessed with building a new home, listening to the birds, not seeing any other houses around me, more content that i ever was in my other life, i tried like hell to live for way to friggen long.
i've decided to write my best friend a letter, not necessarily of closure, but of honest feelings, what my boundaries are, and of what i need from the friendship. because really you can't keep giving, and hoping and never getting anything in return. eventually your well will run dry and you will be left the depleted one. that's not how a healthy relationship is suppose to be. it's a give/give. bend, take, share, love, honest, kinda thing that only works well when both people are doing it!
once that letter has been written, the rest is in her hands. she can either open the door to a new kind of friendship or close it for good. but i can't not believe in one last chance, because god knows...i've been given plenty and will likely need more in my life time.
i've decided that i am utilizing this brisk, fresh time of the year, as a time to do winter cleaning. cleaning out all that is no longer working for me. relationships, home office, car, work, clothes, space and emotions. a time to sit in, drink up a great cup of coffee or herbal tea, and do some honest reflecting.
by spring i will be ready to plant all the wonderful seeds i have floating about in my dreams.
i would love to encourage you, to make time to clear your air, life, spaces and make space for the truth that is needing room to come out.
in april i will be hosting a spring cleaning party! 4 weeks to clear the space, decide on what you want to cultivate, helping to nurture those seeds and harvest your dreams!!
sign up below for updates, as this will be limited to 25 so we can keep it, personal, truthful, inspiring, motivational and PRODUCTIVE. really, gardens are only as good as what they produce...Right?
can't wait to explore and unearth OUR dreams together... <3